In my second relationship, my sweetheart took a job working in Africa. On the other hand, I toiled away in the US attempting to get my first web organization off the ground. All expect making it work was killed by situation and we soon separated.
The lady to whom I’m now wed is Brazilian. We began dating while I was living in Brazil in 2012. I left after a few months and we stayed connected. Both people were battle-worn veterans of stopped working long-distance relationships, and among our very first discussions was that if we didn’t feel that there was a possibility of us living in the very same city once again within a year, then there was no point in keeping in touch.
This wasn’t an easy conversation to have, but we had it since we both understood it was required if we were going to continue. Six months later, I made the commitment to move back down to Brazil and stay there with her until we could find out a long-lasting strategy.
Long-distance relationships can only work if both partners put their money where their genitals are. OK, that sounded unusual … however what I mean is that you have to make the logistical, life-rearranging commitment to one another for it to have any chance of working. Paradoxically, you end up with this strange dynamic where the long-distance relationship forces you to make a lot more substantial commitments to an individual to whom you’ve had far less exposure than in a routine relationship. It resembles buying a vehicle when you’ve just seen a picture of it.
Is it worth it? This is the concern I get most often from readers. On one level, yes, it’s always worth it. Due to the fact that even if the relationship decreases in flames, you will have learned a lot about yourself, about intimacy, and about dedication.
On another level, it’s hard to inform. Due to the fact that when you’re stuck in a long-distance relationship, you do not actually understand what it’s like to date the other individual– instead, you just have this midway, unclear concept. Sure, you understand something of their character and their appealing qualities, but you don’t understand the full reality. You don’t know each other’s ticks, how she avoids eye contact when she’s sad, the method he leaves a mess in the bathroom and after that rejects making it, how she’s constantly late for crucial events, the way he makes reasons for his mom’s unacceptable behavior, her tendency to talk through motion pictures, his tendency to get easily offended at comments about his appearance.
You do not get a sense for the actual relationship till you remain in it, in person, and in each other’s faces non-stop, whether you want to be or not.9 This is where real intimacy exists– right there in the constricted personal space between two individuals who have actually invested way, method, method excessive time around each other. This intimacy is in some cases not enthusiastic, it’s often obnoxious, it’s in some cases undesirable. But it’s capital-R Real. And it’s that genuine intimacy which will identify if a relationship will last.
Distance prevents this constricted intimacy from ever forming in a significant method. When two individuals are apart, it’s too simple to idealize and glamorize each other. It’s too simple to neglect the ordinary, yet crucial differences. It’s too easy to get caught up in the drama of our minds instead of the calm and uninteresting truths of our hearts.
Can it work? Yes, it can. Does it work? Generally, no. However, that’s true for the large majority of relationships. And it doesn’t imply we shouldn’t ever at least try.